things overheard

My Bubby, while talking about How to Find Me a Husband, on Dating:

"I don't know the hot-spots any more... I've been out of circulation for a while."

coffee shop

(on how I think.)

The man in front of me (everyone is in front of me, I sit in the rear at the bar) wears an orange shirt. He is older, but cool. I know this to be true because he bikes (note right pant leg tucked into sock), shaves his head, and has checked both his gmail and facebook accounts thus far. He sits with a woman ("a writer") (overheard from conversation with another patron, a "'fiction' non-fiction writer"), who is looking quizzically at her book. It also seems that she knit her sweater (chenille, mock-turtle, multi-colored yarn).

At the table in front of this cool older couple is a kid, maybe my age, though it looks like he is graying. He is working on something very intently at his computer. I know this to be true because he has not once looked up at me, though I keep waiting for him to admire my cafe-beauty (selfish, we are).

In the middle of the room, sitting alone with a cup of tea and a wedding band, is an older Indian man. He occasionally watches the street, occasionally the tv mounted on the wall (CNN). He is tapping his foot (right) to the beat of the music.

And Along the Far Wall--
Another older man (it is late! shouldn't all the old people be at home? There is yet hope for my future!), documents open in much profusion on his laptop, keeps turning his head to an awkward angle to watch the tv (CNN reaction to The Infomercial).

There was a family of four on the lounge chairs at the front of the room when I walked in, playing trivial pursuit. Very beautiful. Kids my age, too.

The barista is behind me, standing unseen at the bar. She is "an actress." She has red hair (dyed), bangs, and wide hips.

(A commercial for Iron Gym cannot be that interesting!)


-and this is the part where I analyze the above.-
As I was sitting here reading Derech Hashem/The Way of God (yes, intelligent as well!)... well, I don't know how to continue that sentence without it sounding more pretentious than it does. R' Moshe Chaim Luzatto writes in the introduction:

"When an individual is confronted by many details and does not know how they relate to one another or their true place in a general system, then his inquisitive intellect is given nothing more than a difficult unsatisfying burden. He may struggle with it, but he will tire and grow weary long before he attains any gratification. Each detail will arouse his curiosity, but not having access to the concept as a whole, he will remain frustrated.

"If one wishes to understand something, it is therefore very important that he be aware of other things associated with it as well as its place among them. Without this, one's longing for truth will be frustrated and he will be pained by his unsatisfied desire.

"The exact opposite is true when one knows something in relation to its context. Since he sees it within its framework, he can go on to grasp other concepts associated with it, and his success will bring him pleasure and elation."

Thus, I come to the cafe to observe, to try to understand something of the human condition, to see how people relate to each other, to this space, and this bit of the world.

This being that I may attempt an understanding of human life--how it is we live this life.

and I find it so annoying when others do just this, but so it is.

I am just a poor boy
Though my story's seldom told
I have squandered my resistance
For a pocketful of mumbles
Such are promises
All lies and jests
Still a man hears what he wants to hear
And disregards the rest

When I left my home and my family
I was no more than a boy
In the company of strangers
In the quiet of the railway station
Running scared
Laying low, seeking out the poorer quarters
Where the ragged people go
Looking for the places only they would know

Lie la lie...

Asking only workman's wages
I come looking for a job
But I get no offers
Just a come-on from the whores on Seventh Avenue
I do declare, there were times when I was so lonesome
I took some comfort there

Lie la lie...

Then I'm laying out my winter clothes
And wishing I was gone
Going home
Where the New York City winters aren't bleeding me,
Leading me, going home.

In the clearing stands a boxer
And a fighter by his trade
And he carries the reminders
Of every glove that laid him down
Or cut him till he cried out
In his anger and his shame
"I am leaving, I am leaving"
But the fighter still remains

did you know, there is a song about me. exactly. really, it's about me. true story.

In vain I have struggled; it will not do!

I watched Pride and Prejudice last night (the newer less-truthful one, sadly) and now life just seems so-- so regular! Clearly, I am Elizabeth Bennet in dire need of a Mr. Darcy!

it's friday...

Once upon a time, my AIM away message read, every Friday, "it's Friday I'm in love." Some among us might recognize this as being the title of a popular early 90's song by The Cure. Others among us, my mother in particular, may not be aware of this cultural reference and think that indeed, rebecca is in love with someone. One Friday afternoon my freshman year of college, my mother called me. We had a normal conversation, talking about home, classes, etc., and then, as I was about to hang up, she asked me who I was dating.
What? I'm not dating anyone.

There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Problems with Parents Using Technology.


In recognition of love and Fridays and parents, I would like to share this really happy song by Michael Franti with you. Enjoy!

my father.

1.
email forward from my father today:
















2.
script of a letter found in the envelope along with my paycheck:

Rebecca,
I believe i spoke to your father on the phone while trying to find out if you are in Pgh or [ ]. He was very funny.... Wanted to know where my name came from, told me about Japanese history, and tried to get your check depositted into his account.
Happy Summer,
Minda

late summer night

1.
I haven't felt any urge to update lately. Maybe I feel my life is better kept only within myself, maybe I no longer crave the approval/adoration/simple readership that frequent posting bequeaths. Regardless, life continues to be lived and thoughts continue to be thunk.

2.
What is it with everyone (ok so of course not everyone but way more than expected)(especially when one's expectations are no one) doing drugs (smoking/pot/excessive drinking)? Is life not wonderful and challenging when we just live?

3.
I have a friend (American) who is thinking of getting a civil marriage with this Israeli she likes (who does not like her) so that he won't be deported.

4.
You know how TV sitcoms have, generally after every line, a laugh track? And the purpose of this pre-recorded laugh track is to imply that the previously stated lines were, indeed, funny? So whenever I heard this I took the lines and the laugh under consideration, judged the humor, maybe had a fleeting internal smile, but never ("never") actually laughed out loud. And because I reacted to the laugh track in such a manner, I assumed all people did. However, dear friends, this is not true. I recently was in the presence of someone who laughed, a real, genuine laugh, along with every single laugh track. I don't really know how to respond to this.

5.
I found this challah cover in a thrift store a month ago. Auspicious place for a challah cover...

and I can't get through

trying to find my place.

things not to tell my mother

that it is not yet 9:00 am and I have just returned from schlepping a new set of dishes and pots to the mikvah to toivel them.

[this is not a list] Cry, the Beloved Country

For now, I have no time to add my commentary and disgust, but please read this article at JPost...

Here are some highlights:

the High Rabbinical Court of Israel has declared invalid all conversions performed since 1999 by Rabbi Haim Drukman, the head of the Conversion Authority. ...

a panel of three high court judges ruled that all conversions conducted since 1999 by Rabbi Drukman - who heads the Conversion Authority - and another rabbi, must be declared invalid.

They also ruled that it was permitted to retroactively cancel the conversion of someone who does not observe the Sabbath. ...

On the basis of the ensuing discussion, the judge ruled the woman's conversion invalid, and in consequence, that her children, who were born after her conversion, are not Jewish. ...

The verdict rendered the Jewish status of thousands of converts retroactively invalid, and required them to convert a second time.

April stress brings May excitement!

the kabbalah of YOU!

Last semester (last semester being this past spring semester, which has since past and left me no longer a student in the traditional sense) I attended a talk by Lori Palatnik titled "Kabbalah of You: Understanding Yourself and Others." Basically, there are three main essences or drives - חיים/Chayim/Life; ברכה/Bracha/Blessing; and טוב/Tov/Good.

These essences are evident in each person, and manifest themselves differently in a person's body and soul. Meaning, a person's body "relates" itself to an essence as does a person's soul. Knowing what "type" of person [I can hear Kate criticizing me already] we are, and what types our friends our, can really help us interact. Also, as was emphasized in Lori's talk, they really help us find our bsheret/soul-mate. Specifically, we look to marry someone with the things we are missing because we are yearning for the completion of one soul. (As reads my notes.)

Please find below a rendition of the three different essences as they apply to soul and body. Try to figure out which one you are. I, being a more complicated type of person, had to marinate over this for a few weeks before I finally became certain in which essences fit me best. (guess!)

חיים/Chaym/Life

Soul
- intellectually driven; bright; more "complicated"
- tend to be introverts
- out-of-the-box
- early memories; hold on to everything
- only "get" others of same type
- always thinking/trouble thinking
- minority in population (many Russians)

Body
- "thinking body"
- take everything in
- extremely intuitive, aware
- sense of people- beneath the surface, pick up on energy, "get" people
- often masquerade as ברכה/Bracha/Blessing body (i.e., sleep for escape; substance abuse possible)

ברכה/Bracha/Blessing

Soul
- tend to be extroverted
- optimistic; judge to good
- people-person--- people love because loves people
- adaptable
- trouble dating because likes everybody
- sees both sides of things- "sees the gray"
- "so busy having fun can miss out on depth of life"

Body
- pleasure body
- chill, laid back
- never get ulcers
- never, ever on time
- sleep in for pleasure of sleeping
- can be very lazy

טוב/Tov/Good

Soul
- pleasure doing what's right
- world of black and white
- loves rules, regulations, authority
- right/wrong
- judgmental/ non-judgmental (rare)
- very hard on other people, especially selves
- tend to be organized
- tough- strongest of three types; can handle more
- competitive

Body
- action, accomplishment-orientated
- always doing
- sleep as a necessary evil
- pleasure being busy

just a thought

Life is a one way street and
If you could paint it,
I'd draw myself going in the right direction,
So I go all the way.
Like I reallly really know but the truth is-
I'm only guessing.

gnarls barkley

today, my friends sent me:

this:
just friends

and this:

this is a poem I wrote for class three years ago.

Rose of Pain

His big toe stared back at me,
a skunk wandering the road at night,
visible in its impending death.

I stomped on it, made sure to grind it into the soil
with my stiletto.
I removed my foot from the point of damage
and viewed my work,
satisfied at the new passage to China.

I hate your big toe.
You crack your toes.
It makes me want to kill you.
It smells like the fridge-
you forgot to clean it during a 3-month vacation in Brazil.

When we lay next to each other in the night
and you touched me, it was the feeling like
falling hard into the concrete
and scraping your entire body
after hearing your father died.

Your big toe.

It would taste like the moldy milk
you left in the fridge.

There is dirt under your toe nail.
The nail is jagged and chipped.
The dark hair curls.

I want to kill you.

The sound of your approaching footsteps
Is revolting in its dirty browns and yellows.

Jesus will never forgive you.
I thought it was just a stage.
I was mistaken.

I love every inch of you.

Love.
I told my mom I loved her every day.
I really did.

I don’t love many people,
because my mom said love is liberating
and I’m a conservative.

Pfth.

Our family isn’t normal.

It started when the sweet
orange of faith came into town.

You gave me a rose
and I didn’t like the way it smelled.

I watched you flirt
with the cashier at the food store.
You didn’t see me.

Invisible.

When you come home,
I’ll rip you apart.

Sweet trash of roses.

The window was left open
to let in some air.
but ended up destroying the wood.

Shema Yisrael.

The wood was old, and that final blow killed it.

Grass lies still beneath the breath of one word.

her heart glowed with a degree of happy assurance

a word from our favorite modern philosopher, Martin Buber

(from Two Types of Faith)

There are two, and in the end only two, types of faith. To be sure there are very many contents of faith, but we only know faith itself in two basic forms. Both can be understood from the simple data of our life: the one from the fact that I trust someone, without being able to offer sufficient reasons for my trust in him; the other from the fact that likewise without being able to give a sufficient reason, I acknowledge a thing to be true. In both cases my not being able to give a sufficient reason is not a matter of defectiveness in my ability to think, but of a real peculiarity in my relationship to the one whom I trust or to that which I acknowledge to be true. It is a relationship which by its nature does not rest upon 'reasons', just as it does not grow from such; reasons of course can be urged for it, but they are never sufficient to account for my faith.
...
The relationship of trust depends upon a state of contact, a contact of my entire being with the one in whom I trust, the relationship of acknowledging depends upon an act of acceptance, an acceptance by my entire being of that which I acknowledge to be true. ...It is obvious that trust also has a beginning in time, but the one who trusts does not know when : he identifies it of necessity with the beginning of the contact; on the other hand the one who acknowledges truth stands to that which he acknowledges as true, not as to something new, only now appearing and making its claim, but as to something eternal which has only now become actual; therefore for the first the status is the decisive thing, doe the second the act.

this is what I've been listening to lately

pretty good, eh?

just, ya know, on me, on life, at this moment

Julie: how's it?
me: horrible
Julie: WHY!?!?!?!
me: i am just really cranky and upset and overwhelmed and underwhelmed and saddened and too much alive
Julie: oh

no
me: whatev
me: i suppose this happens to everyone three weeks before they graduate and their lives as they know it end and they have no idea what they are doing next and just an inkling of what they want to do and too much school work to do to consider it all

but, it'll be ok, right? i'll just listen to some miles davis or some josh ritter and have a cup of tea and everything will sort itself out, right?

I collect quotes. I have books filled with them.

I also collect books. Today I bought a book about Theodore Herzl in Yiddish. That, however, is irrelevant.

Please, enjoy this quote-

	'Why did you do all this for me?' he asked. 'I don't deserve it. I've never done anything for you.' 'You have been my friend', replied Charlotte. 'That in itself is a tremendous thing.' From 'Charlotte's Web' Written by E. B. White

i like to eat, eat, eat, apples and bananas...

I tutor a six year-old in conversational Hebrew about twice a week. We've been going slow, learning body parts, numbers, colors, letters, whathaveyou. A few weeks ago I introduced the verbs "to eat" and "to drink." I used as examples words that she would recognize from English--- "shokolad," "tayh," "kola," etc. We do a little review and more examples and conversation every week.

Today she says to me, "Morah Rebecca, you sure do like shokolad and kola."

True, definitely true.


In other worlds, I graduate college in less than a month.

Friday afternoon thoughts from Maimonides

"Were it not for the Torah, which is my delight, and matters of speculation in which I forget my grief, I would have perished in my affliction."

i'm gonna write you a letter

this is an email my five-year old cousin Sean sent me on my brother's iPhone this weekend while sitting on his lap, across the table from me:

fbhgsjytefbd redslcxdvbrdfvcsdftrjfrfbvgtgu

hfhlgddbguffyhhkhju

q
dgftffffffffffdffdddgfhcvvvvbhfjvcgffftrrtfghgghhvgbbjtjkgygfrdggv
hyytfgvhufchhixkhnmij


Sent from my iPhone

---
sure does have a lot to say.

another rainy day in pittsburgh

(looking at heinz hall)

oh, it took me a long time to come to this

1.
Today (tonight) on the 61C there was just an ordinary girl, backpack, hat, blond hair, sitting in the front vertical row behind the driver. she was just an ordinary girl, and then she got off the bus at forbes-craig, crossed the street while the bus was stopped at the light, and ran* into the arms of a man standing in front of kiva han, a quick kiss and a caring hug, and suddenly she wasn't an ordinary girl anymore...she was a COUPLE! it seems to be a glorious thing.**

2.
my body isn't fitting me so well today. meaning, my fingers can't seem to fit well next to each other, the knuckles constantly fighting for air or space or whatever it is knuckles fight for, and my feet haven't been able to rest comfortably anywhere for more than five minutes since I got out of bed this morning.

3.
PURIM!


*ok, she didn't run, but as if
**just a lovely concept, not, dad, that I am pining away, weaving and ripping out my tapestry by day and night, while I bemoan my lack of couple-ness.

Opheila

for every word I speak I feel two-thousand more.




________________

Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind.
"Pooh!" he whispered.
"Yes, Piglet?'"
"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. "I just wanted to be sure of you."

---Clint Echols

seems like you've mistaken me

There's this lady around my way
Who sees me like every other day
Who swears and screams a name
She says "Randy where you been?
I remember you were my best friend
Me and you was in it till the end
You was like a son to me back then
You were the son that I never had
I've been huntin' you down man
I'll let you know about my foolproof plan
We can get a crew like we once had
And run from town to town
We'll never ever be found
Say Randy how's that sound?
When I was down
You were always around, I'm so glad
That I finally found you"

Mistaken me
It seems like you've mistaken me
See you've mistaken me
It seems like you've mistaken me, taken me

Say lady if I seem a way
If my enthusiasm ain't the same
It's just that Randy ain't my name
But I tell you this most every day
There's nothing I can say
To change the way
You're feeling about me
Try but you refuse to hear
Even when I'm walking with my lady
You say "How you doing baby
I like your new girlfriend
You've always attracted them princesses"
I wish I could pretend
I pray you find your friend
And all she said in the end
Is "Randy where you been?"

[Mistaken I.D., Citizen Cope]

Oh, what'll you do now, my darling young one?

story of a Girl (in cell phone images)

Ben, the love of Girl's life, goes for the phone.








Girl escapes, ends up on lawn of soldiers & sailors facing imposing edifice








and imposing stalwart statue.








Girl traverses about the city, finding herself seated at the ultra-hipster vegetarian cafe/restaurant/hipster lounge the quiet storm in garfield, where things are almost too hipster to be comfortable.





not-so-hipster Girl is skeptical, until








she sees the lemon-lime cheesecake.







on the Next Day's Adventure, all part of the Grand Plan, Girl walks in sunny (sunny?!) pittsburgh weather around oakland, campus-ville.


the indoor-courtyard of Girl's biopsych class building, frick fine arts, reflects well,







but Girl and friend Phd-Prospect decide da 'burgh's gots alotta love tah offer, so they







engage in a game of chess at phipps botanical gardens, where the air is fresh (fresh!)







and flowers nicely scented.








blues make Girl sigh with contentedness,








while Phd-Prospect grins and bears it.








there are words all about-
the bench speaks: thank god for a garden be it ever so small







and Phd-Prospect journalizes Girl's camus quote from yesterday and charts out the next prolific tournament with haprolificim.









:thank god for the sunshine that comes flooding it all.






Girl agrees, and decides she wants to get married (in general) in a space like this (or at least enjoy such a space).







but, Girl reMarks, she has grown and learned that fairy tales are true only in books,






and sighs as she sees her gleaming white horse amidst a bed of flowers, but no daring Knight.








Girl sees ladies walking on water








and decides that she too can be a









WonderWoman.

a great big pot of soup

There's a lot to say.


On the attack at the Mercaz HaRav Yeshiva in Jerusalem I feel so much my words tumble over each other and become wet with tears and broken with hearts and clenched with fists. In the end, I am sad and silent and lost.


What to write after this?
In high school we read The Stranger by Albert Camus. I liked it but then attempted to lessen my liking for it because suddenly everybody* else liked it too and when we entered college (and later, got facebook) everybody else listed it in their favorite books. Must get over my aversion to liking what I like but disliking when people I shouldn't think like the same do like the same. hm. Regardless. Today I was sent a quote by Camus. It's good-

If there is sin against life, it consists in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

you, too, are allowed to like it.

Spring Break is this week. Watch for me on the next episode of Girls Gone Wild.** The show is trying out a different format, highlighting this week those meshugah females who remain at school and spend their spring breaks in the university libraries, writing...research papers. My life isn't entirely that boring. I have Grand Plans for break. A Fun And Exciting Thing To Do Each Day. Kant to read. Kids to be babysat (not part of the Grand Plans, but rather an enabler-money-enabling other Grant Plans to occur). Shabbat dinners to be hosted. Museums to be visited. Letters to be written.

Yesterday I made a Great Big Pot Of Soup.

















Today I went to a Production, "Can You Imagine," about what life would be like after the Mosiach comes, put on by the local Lubavitch girls high school.

Tomorrow I conquer the world.




*a few people who I group together based on imaginary ties
** joke, joke, please note the sarcasm in my voice. also a joke. annnnnnnnyways.

chocolate

In the end, what I have come to believe about God is simple. It's like this - I used to have this really great dog. She came from the pound. She was a mixture of about ten different breeds, but seemed to have inherited the finest features of them all. She was brown. When people asked me, 'What kind of dog is that?' I would always give the same answer: 'she's a brown dog.' Similarly, when the question is raised, 'What kind of God do you believe in?' my answer is easy: 'I believe in a magnificent God.' Elizabeth Gilbert From her book: 'Eat, Pray, Love'

(in case you were keeping track)

Two men did two enchanting things today.*

1.
This morning, as I was walking into Posvar Hall, a man who had previously been walking behind me swept ahead of me, grabbed the door (a heavy door at that), and swung it open, ushering me in by a sweep of his arm and his words: "After you." My heart nearly melted.

2.
Tonight, as I was waiting for the 61c to take me home,** a man in a yellow fleece jacket approached the crosswalk on the other side of the street. He paused, scooped some snow up from the terrace next to him, and measured it out in his hand, weighing it, shaping it. He formed it into a ball as he walked across the street, and then, before touching down on the sidewalk, lofted it, fingers curling with the follow-through, into the air.



*it may be that more than two men did enchanting things today, but a) this is what I saw, and b) doubtful.
** it seems all I ever do is wait for the 61c to carry me home.

my carriage has become a pumpkin

among the notable things that happened this week (Kosovo is now independent, Israel lost at the Oscars...), I turned 22. horrible, to be sure. while, having lived four full days at this age, I have much to say on it, I shall write none of them here. first, my apartment is horribly bereft of chocolate. secondly, I done some reading, and I done wants to share some lines here.

a. from The World of Jewish Cooking by Gil Marks:
"The destiny of nations depends on what and how they eat."
- Jean-Anthelme Brillat-Savarin, The Physiology of Taste

b. from this glorious book, A Pigeon and A Boy, by Meir Shalev:

"'What does a person need?' she proclaimed one day after the first spoonful of dessert. 'Not much: something sweet to eat, and a story to tell, and time and space, and gladioluses in a vase, and two friends, and two hilltops, one on which to stand and the other upon which to gaze. And two eyes for watching the heavens and waiting.'"

"Because that was what one did at home. One returned home, and said hello, and heard the answer, and entered. And then one had a bite to eat and was overcome with joy: we are home. From the hill, from the sea, from far away. That is what we love and what we know how to do."

"The Baby dared to speak up in order to point out that the participants were projecting a human perception of maps and directions and compass roses onto pigeons. But perhaps, he said, she is unfamiliar with all of these, understanding one direction only, and its name is 'homeward,' unaware that humans give this direction other names--sometimes 'southward' and sometimes 'eastward' and sometimes 'north-by-northwestward.'"



It is a very good book. You, dear reader, should read it, and we will leave discussing my old age for some other time.

eep

Rebecca

• Age: 22

a navigationable life

1.
I have two 6-page papers due in...9 and 12 hours. amount written thus far: 4 pages. topics: Maimonides' basic views on the Land of Israel and economic and political inequality in America.

2.
the sidewalks at school were saturated with salt today. too bad it snowed for only half an hour. but I am glad to see facilities management is preparing for bad weather -- mayhaps it has something to do with the email I sent the provost?

3.
there is a major crack running down the corner of a wall in my bedroom--


















should I be scared?


4.
I'm currently wearing a new scent, composed of the combined elements of sweat and coffee shop. hm.

5.
tonight, waiting for the 61c's last run, pick-up at 1:14 outside hillman, were in the bus stop:
- me
- two guys, one telling story of how he was picked up and spent the night in jail for being drunk. many expletives.
- a guy and a girl, kissing very loudly.
- me.
- a bench
- me
- 14-degree F temperatures
- me


anyways.
peanut butter and jelly solves everything.

mmm

“Hope is a category of transcendence, by means of which a man does not permit what he senses and experiences to be the sole criterion of what is possible.”

David Hartman

i hear such different accounts as to puzzle me exceedingly

my roommate turned the heat off

and it is bitterly cold.
I have become wrapped in a blanket.



but, one must question (in all or somewhat seriousness)
why did God create the world?

thing one and thing two

thing one.
Tonight sitting on the floor while playing with her delicious seven month-old son I told f about my Israel activities on campus.
I think Israel consumes me more now than it did when I was there, I say.
That's the way it's supposed to be, she responds.


thing two.
(later) tonight while doing the dishes I noticed that I was singing the children's rhyme, "do you know the muffin man" (he lives on mulberry lane). except instead of saying muffin man I was saying matchmaker.


-here is a bowl of fruit on the red table-

this really cool new voice

tonight

I thought I saw a shooting star but it was just the movement of the lights in the sky as I turned my head.

the broker informed me I'm broke

babysitting tonight. eitan, aged 5 3/4, asks how old I am.
almost 22.
so now you are 21?
yes, but I turn 22 in a month.
you're almost 30!
!!! still a long way off!

and this little piggy made me cry

Yesterday I sat in an armchair at the Einstein's in Posvar Hall doing reading before my seminar. I read through a codebook of the 2004 American presidential elections, in which respondents are surveyed on various things political from whom they voted for to opinion on health care. After many pages of questions came the respondent data, ie gender, age, marital status, geographic location, etc. I glanced over all of the data, looking at the spread of the 1,000 respondents.

marital status
xxx single
xxx married
xxx divorced
64 widowed

and I read this and saw sixty-four widowed and I started to cry.

ישראל

on this question

My closest friends and I met for lunch today. We were all pretty hungry so when the food came it was pretty silent until I realized that we were there to talk, not just consume in each others' presence. We discussed our futures, wondering which programs to do and where to live and where to go to school and what we actually want to do. I said that I was interested in a few different programs, but had decided not to pursue them because they would not lead (at all or soon enough) to my end goal, which is aliyah, moving to Israel. And that I must take everything on with a view of how it will impact my aliyah, or otherwise it will never happen.

And they, caring involved American Jews and fantastic friends, said that I shouldn't let aliyah or my dream of moving to Israel hold me back from pursuing these things. That moving to Israel will always be an option, at any stage (age) in my life.

But, the thing is, I want to live my life in Israel. Not just move there "someday."

אמא איפה את

rest stop along Israel's coast

and another

four.
I have a magnet I bought that is on the fridge, well the freezer really, in the upper-right corner by the manufacturer's label and eye-level (if you are 5'8") to the point of reaching over to open the fridge. it is one of those quote ones that I buy cards of for my brother every year. The magnet says:

do something today which the world may talk of hereafter (admiral collingwood)

and the thing is,
I don't know if I am.


Like, what have I done today? I met with my advisor for my independent study, wrote some emails, came home, put on sweats and tried to figure out my life for six hours while desperately craving a diet coke. maybe it is just because I am searching to find something fulfilling to work at and do and so it is especially emphasized that I am doing nothing now----but---argh.

one two and three

one.
my nose keeps on running. i think i'm done with it, but no, out it comes, screaming a welcome-back to college.

two.
life is a lot of work.

and.
meaning just everything- plans future school studying money job friends food rent chapped lips.

three.
highlight from my shabbat-
walking to mincha with F. (F=friend; numerous people have tried to set us up, but no.)
somehow shietels - wigs that married women wear to cover their hair- come up in the conversation.
I say I don't think I'll wear one.
F says (something like), who knows? maybe you'll wear one when we are married.
I say I don't think we are going to get married.
(glad we cleared that up)

three.one
I don't like the new beit habubot album as much as their first.

bright colors and squares

goats in the shomron.
delicious goats-milk yogurt.
















sun setting in itamar.














boy with his blanket.
(a hilltop settler)


















sun and a flag
(marat hamachpelah)




















thorned flowers
(looking into jordan)